I went up to one of my professors, and told her how i want to be a writer and she offer to let me join this workshop for young aspiring writers. Hopefully i'll be able to do it, and maybe network a little even though i'm terrible at it.


i don't know where i start....

i moved into the new house, with the housemates. It's been alright, i love the house but it's quite a distance to everything and as much as i think my housemates are sweet i can't help but feel alone. And i knew this coming in that they were all really close and i would feel like an outside. oh well i've been there before and i'll learn to deal with it.

Now for school- i'm already tired of classes and it's the third week in. I do only have three more weeks from this session BUT i still have next session to work on. UGH BUT this is how much i fucking hate rutgers, they just told me i can't take a math class at a community college during the summer like i was advised not to long ago to do. But also, if i don't pass this computer science class i'm currently taking (which i'm praying to the lords and saints to at least get a C) i will have to take three math classes. Which means even if i graduate i still have to take another class. UGHHH rutgers is making me stay at this school forever.

I'm still in FUCK guys mood. So, no men in my life. Even though my housemate tried to hook me up with this one dude. But there will not be any chemistry between us. I think we're too different in a sense, or more like i don't think i would be the type of girl he would go for. He's the artsy/hipster type And although i would love to be a hipster- i don't quite fit that category. I also have stayed away from going out to find men- cause i know that's my trap. I really would like to go the whole summer without searching for a guy and falling in lust with someone. Even though i know that's super hard cause i'm sort of boy crazy and i long for someone at night to sleep next to. But i'll deal. I dealed for 21 years i think i can do the next few months. UNLESS tony reali/mark ronson comes into my life. Then it's okay to shot down my idea of NO MEN ALLOWED policy.

this is annoying to me

How i'm still missing my ex- it's been 4 months since we've been together. i can't seem to get him out of my head and i refuse to contact him. I have too much of an ego. but i sort of wish i wasn't so mean to him when he did contact me.


Things are starting to look Up
I did really well this semester and i'm FINALLY off academic Probation. These are the best grade i've ever had while attending Rutgers!!!
So now its time to look ahead-
I am taking tons of summer classes
Two the first session and two the second session.
Then i plan to take five courses fall semester including Math, hopefully it will be my last semester of Math!
Spring Semester- Study Aboard? It's a little expensive but if i were able to go to england, i would be able to attend one of their school as a foreign exchange student for a full semester. That would be my dream because i want to live in England and hopefully work there once i get older. So it would be great if i went to school there and got an internship there.

Hopefully I'll graduate, I can go on to do Americorps. I decided to do Americorps over Peace Corps because PC has it for two years, and i can't slum it for two years in another country. Americorps is only for 10months to a year. I would either do help prevent hunger or work with kids. Even though i don't like children but that keeps away from getting dirty and picking trash.

idk just throwing out idea


I just finished one of my finals, actually it was just a quiz. I did some studying last night with one of my group members and this morning. Overall the quiz was really good. I didn't know one of the fill in questions and the matching on. But overall, i think i did well!

I got a paper to finish up tonight and then a extra credit assignment due on the 7th. But my next final isn't till the 13th.


(no subject)

"Sometime you just have to hold your head up high, blink away the tears and say good-bye."

"I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you... but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you."

"I wish he meant it when he kissed me cause then I could look back and see someone who loved me but I can only go back and see someone who used me."

"So... from now on... when you think of me... just remember that I could've been the best thing you ever had."

"Sometimes it's better to be alone. No one can hurt you that way."

Lyrics from Common Ghetto Heaven
Talkin to a friend, about what love is
Her man didnt love her, cuz he didnt love his
Hugged her from afar, said what I felt
You never find a man, till you find yourself
Time helps mistakes, you can learn from
Cuz one man fucked up men you shouldnt turn from
You want a certain type of guy, gotta reach a certain point too
At the destination, a king will annoint you
Goin through the storm, many bodies stay warm
That relationship died, for you to be born, you worth more
Than anything you could cop in a store
For you to grow he had to go so what you stoppin him for
Not even I could ignore bein alone its hard
Find heaven in yourself and god


The stage of In the Heights

My Henna

Well last night right before i went to sleep i started to feel REALLY sick. For some reason every time i eat any of the fruits at the dinning hall i get CRAZY SICK. So pretty much from 2-5am i was throwing up everything i have in my system. I was suppose to get up at around 8 something but that wasn't going to happen. I wanted to get brunch in the city but i just ended up sleeping in, and just ate something from dunkin donuts and went in the city later.

I got into the city and the first thing i went for was getting my henna. I wanted a whole hand henna but... that was too expensive. But i got it done and i've very happy. Then i went for a drink, got me a little sex on the beach and headed towards 'In the Heights'. When i walked into the theater, my seat was the very VERY last row. But the usher told me it wasn't sold out and moved me a hella lot closer to the front of the stage. He also was wondering why i was by myself he kept saying "just you? You're here by yourself?" SI MISTER.

OMG-In the Heights was outstanding. It was a great storyline, i'm sure many latinos can relate to ALL the characters and it sorts of made me want to my latin. They always are so united no matter what, and love to dance. I mean black people love to dance too but we're not united and stick together like the spanish do. I even found myself on the verge of crying twice- but it didn't happen. And not only was there one love story but TWO. I'm like WTF? But it was amazing, the actors were great, and such great singers. the only thing i had a problem with was the dancing, it was like ballet hip hop.
I'vm very glad i went to see the show. I'm tempted to see another show but i know i can't afford it, so next friday i'm going to MoMA since it's free for college students.

Treat Brittny day was overall good.


So i just booked my flight to go to California with my sister. It's really sucky days and i'll be baby sitting majority of the time. BUT at least i get to get away from NJ and get my mind away from school and everything.

This is my highlight of my day!
  • Current Mood
    giddy giddy

i'm still hurting

"Jamie is over and Jamie is gone/Jamie's decided it's time to move on/Jamie has new dreams he's building upon/And I'm still hurting"- Still Hurting from the musical The Last Five Years.

I'm no longer at the point of crying, i finished that thursday morning. I'm just still very hurt about the whole situation and how it went down. i discussed my worries about my trust in men during my group therapy on thursday night. It was so hard to explain what happened with me because i'm so embarrassed by the whole thing. And then to explain my past to people i've only known for two month, i just felt very valnerable. And even though they were really helpful i just couldn't help but think about what they really thought about me. How i'm think girl, who just broke up with her boyfriend not to long about and just started seeign someone else and he dumped her too. there must be something wrong with her.

But they told me i can't dwell on the pass because i will only expect the worst. We all have to deal with heartbreak and that eventually i'll find someone great. And i know that's true, but what if it doesn't. I look at my mom, she's still alone and unhappy. I look at my sister she's married but incredibly miserable. There can't be much hope for me. I'm going to end up just like that and it scares me.

I don't really trust anyone at this moment, not even friends. I'm not looking forward to moving in with my housemates next month. I heard that one of my housemates believe i broke her stupid teapot. And she's talking behind my back yet she asked me to buy her some liquor yesterday. All smiling in my face and shit, fake bitch. I'm going to go up to her today or tomorrow and ask if she really believes i broke her teapot. She should know, i do drink tea but i always make it in the microwave. I've never use that damn teapot not once. the only people who use that shit is her and her roommate. Fuck bitch. I know i'm going to be a loner in my house, they all are going to hang out and have memories together and i'm going to be alone. but i'm fine because i can't trust them and they are all immature bitches.

And then my friend Shawna who's friend with the housemate i hate, jon. Told him about the whole Rody situation. And he has to the nerve to talk about my business with other housemate. FUCKING JERK i hate him.
  • Current Mood
    angry angry

(no subject)

"Everything changes in a flash today -- some things for the better, some for the worse, but you are enthralled by the wonder of it all. In the long run, you are glad it all went down this way."

Why do i continue to fall for the men that stab me in the back.

It's so weird, yesterday in class, i was thinking about how i wanted to bring up in group therapy about how i don't know (at least at the current moment) open up to men and trust them. Because all men always seems to leave me, my dad left, my mom's boyfriend who was in my life for 13 years left without even saying goodbye to me, adam left erruptedly and now this. And how i wanted to tell Rody, "sorry i haven't opened up enough or seem stand offish, it's because of this." but that never happened.

I didn't see this coming, Rody and I have been talking for two months already and lately he was giving me the indication that maybe we would get together soon. Literally the other day he told me to not to see anyone and he was going to do the same. Now i'm wondering why would he even suggest that to me, all the heart to heart conversations we've had and all the hanging out we did was just a waste of time.

I haven't heard from Rody since Sunday, so i text him asking wassup? and he goes "hey you, guess what?" and i said "what?" and he replies with "i got a girlfriend, as of yesterday." my heart just dropped, i couldn't believe it happened or how heartless he said it to me, like it was nothing. I simply replied with "oh cool" lol because i didn't know what else to say, i wasn't expecting that. He went on to say "yeah so i don't think we should see each other anymore" and i just said "i understand, i hope she makes you happy." and he said "thank you" and that was the end of our conversation. I deleted everything i had of him on my phone, i wanted him out.

I cried for at least two hours. I was so hurt and i regret to let him get to me. I knew i shouldn't have started to let him in even more than what we had at first, because i was already fragile.

So that's over, i can't let this get to me. I have finals coming up that i have to do superb on. I'll cry for today to let it all out and then i have to move on.