I went up to one of my professors, and told her how i want to be a writer and she offer to let me join this workshop for young aspiring writers. Hopefully i'll be able to do it, and maybe network a little even though i'm terrible at it.

i don't know where i start....

i moved into the new house, with the housemates. It's been alright, i love the house but it's quite a distance to everything and as much as i think my housemates are sweet i can't help but feel alone. And i knew this coming in that they were all really close and i would feel like an outside. oh well i've been there before and i'll learn to deal with it.

Now for school- i'm already tired of classes and it's the third week in. I do only have three more weeks from this session BUT i still have next session to work on. UGH BUT this is how much i fucking hate rutgers, they just told me i can't take a math class at a community college during the summer like i was advised not to long ago to do. But also, if i don't pass this computer science class i'm currently taking (which i'm praying to the lords and saints to at least get a C) i will have to take three math classes. Which means even if i graduate i still have to take another class. UGHHH rutgers is making me stay at this school forever.

I'm still in FUCK guys mood. So, no men in my life. Even though my housemate tried to hook me up with this one dude. But there will not be any chemistry between us. I think we're too different in a sense, or more like i don't think i would be the type of girl he would go for. He's the artsy/hipster type And although i would love to be a hipster- i don't quite fit that category. I also have stayed away from going out to find men- cause i know that's my trap. I really would like to go the whole summer without searching for a guy and falling in lust with someone. Even though i know that's super hard cause i'm sort of boy crazy and i long for someone at night to sleep next to. But i'll deal. I dealed for 21 years i think i can do the next few months. UNLESS tony reali/mark ronson comes into my life. Then it's okay to shot down my idea of NO MEN ALLOWED policy.

How i'm still missing my ex- it's been 4 months since we've been together. i can't seem to get him out of my head and i refuse to contact him. I have too much of an ego. but i sort of wish i wasn't so mean to him when he did contact me.

Things are starting to look Up
I did really well this semester and i'm FINALLY off academic Probation. These are the best grade i've ever had while attending Rutgers!!!
So now its time to look ahead-
I am taking tons of summer classes
Two the first session and two the second session.
Then i plan to take five courses fall semester including Math, hopefully it will be my last semester of Math!
Spring Semester- Study Aboard? It's a little expensive but if i were able to go to england, i would be able to attend one of their school as a foreign exchange student for a full semester. That would be my dream because i want to live in England and hopefully work there once i get older. So it would be great if i went to school there and got an internship there.

Hopefully I'll graduate, I can go on to do Americorps. I decided to do Americorps over Peace Corps because PC has it for two years, and i can't slum it for two years in another country. Americorps is only for 10months to a year. I would either do help prevent hunger or work with kids. Even though i don't like children but that keeps away from getting dirty and picking trash.

idk just throwing out idea

I just finished one of my finals, actually it was just a quiz. I did some studying last night with one of my group members and this morning. Overall the quiz was really good. I didn't know one of the fill in questions and the matching on. But overall, i think i did well!

I got a paper to finish up tonight and then a extra credit assignment due on the 7th. But my next final isn't till the 13th.


LETS GO!

"Sometime you just have to hold your head up high, blink away the tears and say good-bye."

"I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you... but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you."

"I wish he meant it when he kissed me cause then I could look back and see someone who loved me but I can only go back and see someone who used me."

"So... from now on... when you think of me... just remember that I could've been the best thing you ever had."

"Sometimes it's better to be alone. No one can hurt you that way."

Lyrics from Common Ghetto Heaven
Talkin to a friend, about what love is
Her man didnt love her, cuz he didnt love his
Hugged her from afar, said what I felt
You never find a man, till you find yourself
Time helps mistakes, you can learn from
Cuz one man fucked up men you shouldnt turn from
You want a certain type of guy, gotta reach a certain point too
At the destination, a king will annoint you
Goin through the storm, many bodies stay warm
That relationship died, for you to be born, you worth more
Than anything you could cop in a store
For you to grow he had to go so what you stoppin him for
Not even I could ignore bein alone its hard
Find heaven in yourself and god

The stage of In the Heights




My Henna

Well last night right before i went to sleep i started to feel REALLY sick. For some reason every time i eat any of the fruits at the dinning hall i get CRAZY SICK. So pretty much from 2-5am i was throwing up everything i have in my system. I was suppose to get up at around 8 something but that wasn't going to happen. I wanted to get brunch in the city but i just ended up sleeping in, and just ate something from dunkin donuts and went in the city later.

I got into the city and the first thing i went for was getting my henna. I wanted a whole hand henna but... that was too expensive. But i got it done and i've very happy. Then i went for a drink, got me a little sex on the beach and headed towards 'In the Heights'. When i walked into the theater, my seat was the very VERY last row. But the usher told me it wasn't sold out and moved me a hella lot closer to the front of the stage. He also was wondering why i was by myself he kept saying "just you? You're here by yourself?" SI MISTER.

OMG-In the Heights was outstanding. It was a great storyline, i'm sure many latinos can relate to ALL the characters and it sorts of made me want to my latin. They always are so united no matter what, and love to dance. I mean black people love to dance too but we're not united and stick together like the spanish do. I even found myself on the verge of crying twice- but it didn't happen. And not only was there one love story but TWO. I'm like WTF? But it was amazing, the actors were great, and such great singers. the only thing i had a problem with was the dancing, it was like ballet hip hop.
I'vm very glad i went to see the show. I'm tempted to see another show but i know i can't afford it, so next friday i'm going to MoMA since it's free for college students.

Treat Brittny day was overall good.

So i just booked my flight to go to California with my sister. It's really sucky days and i'll be baby sitting majority of the time. BUT at least i get to get away from NJ and get my mind away from school and everything.


This is my highlight of my day!

"Jamie is over and Jamie is gone/Jamie's decided it's time to move on/Jamie has new dreams he's building upon/And I'm still hurting"- Still Hurting from the musical The Last Five Years.

I'm no longer at the point of crying, i finished that thursday morning. I'm just still very hurt about the whole situation and how it went down. i discussed my worries about my trust in men during my group therapy on thursday night. It was so hard to explain what happened with me because i'm so embarrassed by the whole thing. And then to explain my past to people i've only known for two month, i just felt very valnerable. And even though they were really helpful i just couldn't help but think about what they really thought about me. How i'm think girl, who just broke up with her boyfriend not to long about and just started seeign someone else and he dumped her too. there must be something wrong with her.

But they told me i can't dwell on the pass because i will only expect the worst. We all have to deal with heartbreak and that eventually i'll find someone great. And i know that's true, but what if it doesn't. I look at my mom, she's still alone and unhappy. I look at my sister she's married but incredibly miserable. There can't be much hope for me. I'm going to end up just like that and it scares me.

I don't really trust anyone at this moment, not even friends. I'm not looking forward to moving in with my housemates next month. I heard that one of my housemates believe i broke her stupid teapot. And she's talking behind my back yet she asked me to buy her some liquor yesterday. All smiling in my face and shit, fake bitch. I'm going to go up to her today or tomorrow and ask if she really believes i broke her teapot. She should know, i do drink tea but i always make it in the microwave. I've never use that damn teapot not once. the only people who use that shit is her and her roommate. Fuck bitch. I know i'm going to be a loner in my house, they all are going to hang out and have memories together and i'm going to be alone. but i'm fine because i can't trust them and they are all immature bitches.

And then my friend Shawna who's friend with the housemate i hate, jon. Told him about the whole Rody situation. And he has to the nerve to talk about my business with other housemate. FUCKING JERK i hate him.

Horoscope:
"Everything changes in a flash today -- some things for the better, some for the worse, but you are enthralled by the wonder of it all. In the long run, you are glad it all went down this way."

Why do i continue to fall for the men that stab me in the back.

It's so weird, yesterday in class, i was thinking about how i wanted to bring up in group therapy about how i don't know (at least at the current moment) open up to men and trust them. Because all men always seems to leave me, my dad left, my mom's boyfriend who was in my life for 13 years left without even saying goodbye to me, adam left erruptedly and now this. And how i wanted to tell Rody, "sorry i haven't opened up enough or seem stand offish, it's because of this." but that never happened.

I didn't see this coming, Rody and I have been talking for two months already and lately he was giving me the indication that maybe we would get together soon. Literally the other day he told me to not to see anyone and he was going to do the same. Now i'm wondering why would he even suggest that to me, all the heart to heart conversations we've had and all the hanging out we did was just a waste of time.

I haven't heard from Rody since Sunday, so i text him asking wassup? and he goes "hey you, guess what?" and i said "what?" and he replies with "i got a girlfriend, as of yesterday." my heart just dropped, i couldn't believe it happened or how heartless he said it to me, like it was nothing. I simply replied with "oh cool" lol because i didn't know what else to say, i wasn't expecting that. He went on to say "yeah so i don't think we should see each other anymore" and i just said "i understand, i hope she makes you happy." and he said "thank you" and that was the end of our conversation. I deleted everything i had of him on my phone, i wanted him out.

I cried for at least two hours. I was so hurt and i regret to let him get to me. I knew i shouldn't have started to let him in even more than what we had at first, because i was already fragile.

So that's over, i can't let this get to me. I have finals coming up that i have to do superb on. I'll cry for today to let it all out and then i have to move on.

Now that i'm almost done with my junior year, i'm starting to think about what i want to do after i graduate. Hopefully i do really well this semester but i have faith i'll do well this semester. I'm definitely going to study sessions for the two exams i have in the next two weeks. But what do i do after i graduate?

I was thinking about going to graduate school and majoring in Journalism. Since writing is my passion and i hated my journalism school at Rutgers so i changed my major to Women's Studies. So i would really like to get my master in journalism even though it's not that big of a deal to have a masters being a journalist. But i think i would be really proud of myself if i got my masters. I never thought i would even consider to want to do anything after i got my masters.

BUT
i would have to take my GREs. I talked to my sister to ask how hard they were and she said she NEVER took them :D WHAT? she said she picked schools that didn't ask for GREs for requirements.

OR

But when i was discussing my plans for post graduation, my sister suggested that i should apply for peace corps or americorps. So i'm going to do some research to see if i find any interests in it and maybe apply to it. She also said it looks great on my resume and it helps pay for graduate program. Which would be really great.


Okay... i'll stop with my rambling.

how my life is complete shit at the current moment. I'm falling apart slowly but surely. Today i had to take yet again another trip to the health center to see what was up with my eye. I have an eye irretation from my contacts and a mild form of pink eye. And i'm only contagious to myself! It's just frustrating that i'm constantly getting sick and have to go to the health center, the front desk guy practically knows my name.

I have so much shit that has to be done, yet i'm on livejournal at the current moment. I have a take home exam due tomorrow, 3-5 page paper. After some thought this morning on it, i'm not so nervous about it. Well, not until i start writing it and it's not up to par with how i want it to me. Next week i have two papers due, one is just a one page paper and the other is a 5-7 MAJOR research paper. SHIT come to think of it i have to check out a book for tomorrow. MUST DO.

Also, my hook up buddy, i came up today why i like him so much... because i can't have him. At least that's how i see it. And he feels a pleasure void. But I want to know if i'm able to capture him to make him my boyfriend, but the thing is i don't want him as my boyfriend. I just want to see if i'm able to do so since he's so scared to get in a relationship cause he thinks all girls are cheaters. Well maybe, that would be a bad thing to do. But i at least want to try, but i know i won't accomplish it. Because i'm brittny... and i never get what i really want.

DAMN why is this song so fucking good? i'm totally wearing my big headphones to class and playing this on repeat.

First off, i don't want to start classes today. I want to sleep all day listening to music. I want to do that for the rest of my life. I need a rich husband so i can do that and still be able to buy fabulous clothes. Speaking of which i feel the need to do some retail therapy. It's just that time since i'm getting disappointed a lot lately.

I haven't heard from my hook up buddy all week, so i'm deleting his number. All my friends are like, "maybe he's busy" bullshit it doesn't take that much time in the day to type a simple text message. I'm not even saying happy birthday to his ass tomorrow.

Oh i need to type this moment down because i never want to forget this fuckery EVER. After k-san and i went to perle were walking to knight club where this dude drove pass up singing out of the window. K-san thought it was funny. But anyways when we got closer to Knight Club the same dude drove past us and started spraying up with water from a water gun. OOO thank god it didn't get in my head but i was so pissed. K-san was laughing and i was pissed. I hope that dude gets herpes and aids. Who the fuck does that shit?

UGH i don't want to get out of bed. Oh and i had no idea that Sylvia Plath wrote The Bell Jar

my sister's friends were so helpful last night while i was hanging out with them. Besides the fact they wanted me to drink every drink in sight (i refused to) they also lend some helpful advice and gave me tons of information about my sister i didn't want to know about.

" brittny, you're young and beautiful. GO OUT THERE. Sleep with as many men as you want. just be safe but seriously sleep with tons of men. you're sister did."

Then they went into how my sister's best friend and my sis would go clubbing and then meet up with a booty call. i was like :0

They also told me about how freaky my sister is. And then my sister started talking about vibrators and all this shit i was liek HOLY SHIT my ears are bleeding from all this information.

Last week during spring break, i got a message from adam. Basically he pretended nothing happened between us and everything was how it was suppose to be. Which made me so frustrated with him. He also went on to explain how he never broke up with me, he just simply need to tell me he didn't want a serious relationship.........RIGHT.
I got the balls to tell him, i was much happier without him in my life. Which he replied with, "i'm sorry i made you unhappy." That little line had me a wreck for so long. I cried that entire day, confused of how i felt about him? wondering if i hurt him in some way with what i said? could he possibly change if i gave him another chance?

The truth is, no. He'll never change if i give him another chance and all it would do was return to the same cycle i didn't want back in my life. I know i cared so much about him and wanted things to work out and for him to be this "fantasy" boyfriend that i never had but it was never going to come true. I had attended my sister's friend's bachalorette party in NY and we kept passing things that had reminded me of Adam. And i just couldn't fully enjoy myself. Then that night, the bride to be and had this one on one talk with me, in the middle of the night. And said to me, don't make the same mistakes your sister, your mom and i made. We thought with our hearts and fell back into the arms with the men that made us unhappy. We thought we could change it but instead it just left us lonely and heartbroken.
She also explained how i was young and need to get out more and have fun with myself and boys. I think that talk whether she realized it or not was the what i really needed to hear. My biggest fear is to end up like my mom (relationship wise) and somewhat my sister (who has the worst marriage ever). If i can avoid that, i need to know what makes me happy and that's to not be with adam. And to avoid men in my life who made me unhappy.

It's going to be hard, but it's a new brittny. I'm in control of my heart and i'm going to go through tons of men (ok not exactly tons but maybe a couple) and i'll figure out what i want and do not want. I'll have fun, i'll have more heartbreak but with all of that will lead me to someone wonderful.

I started spring break just a little bit early by not attending a few of my classes before the break. My body has been itching to have a break.
On thursday my best friend who i met at my first college came to visit. I hadn't seen her since the year after i left the school. She still looks the same but GIRL has changed so much. She has a boyfriend now, which is so freaking adorable. But he's made he into a freak. LOL. It's so funny. I'm like what happened to my sweet little alicia??
It was great to have her around and catch up on old times.

I have nothing planned for spring break. I think i'm just going to chill and do NOTHING my favorite thing to do. My housemates and i were going to bet who can have the most sex during spring break. but one housemate had surgery and won't be able to have sex for 2 weeks (he's going to die) and the other housemate.... well... there really isn't anyone in her life. So we called the bet off, either way my guy housemate would have won cause i think he has more sex than the entire house put together. Maybe the entire street put together.

Also i had to get a new cell phone. I got the voyager the second it came out and all it's done has given me problems. Over the summer i had to get it replace cause it was all fucked up the touch screen didn't work and the charger barely worked. This time the charger didn't work at all, i had to hold it for over an hour just so it would be charged enough to use throughout the day. Luckily my mom had an upgrade still available so i was able to use that to get a brand new phone and not have to pay full price. I got the dare and it's so nice and slim and it's so much cooler than the voyager. I definitely was cuddling with it yesterday afternoon during my break. Now i have to come up with a cute name for it. I think it's a girl.... now gotta search for girl names. And sadly i've dropped her two times already, i dropped her before she was a day old.

I'm finally excited that i am single and that there are so many options out there for me to pick from. I just realized this morning that this is going to be so exciting, to meet new guys and figure out what i really want from men.

If this week didn't show it, i don't know what's up.
It started with me hanging out with the cute bass player on monday night. I enjoyed hanging out with him but the poor boy is 19 YEARS OLD. GEESH. i could be his older sister or aunt or something. I haven't really heard from him but i enjoyed my time i spent with him.

THEN THERE IS MATT- ian's roommate
THE CRAZIEST OF THEM ALL. he's constantly texting me that he's frustrated by something i did or didn't do. It's been happening ever since he got my phone number. I always know when ian has mentioned something about my then relationship because out of the clear blue, matt contacts me. Of course the night i break up, matt calls me and ask me to brower (dinning hall) i wasn't exactly paying attention to the conversation so i quickly said yes. Then i realize 'shit i just said yes to a brower date'. i reluntantly went, it was okay but he was just up my ass, he wanted to do everything with me that i had to do. eventually i had to say, i'm going home and not complete all the task i wanted because i didn't want to be around him. Later that night he tex me asking if i wanted to go to starbuck, WTF we just hung out? i said no. A few days later he asked again, except my reply never went through which sparked some anger from matt.

I received a text from stating he was frustrated and i should not have ignored him for so many hours. I explained but then i got frustrated myself and told him to cool down- this lend to a bigger argument between us. My favorite text from him was " we haven't even gone out together yet and we are already arguing. Either we're meant to be together or we aren't and someone is going to go to jail for it." I didn't understand the jail part, maybe he has that much anger that it would lead to me calling the cops. Thanks for the warning. After our argument he asked if i was interested in him, what horrible timing is that? I explain i'm not interested in anyone at the moment since i've only been single for about four days. He understood and that's the last i've heard from him.
It's sad though, i'm avoiding visiting ian because i know i'll end up having to see matt. I just get the worst vibes from him and feel so uncomfortable that it's scary. :(

HOT GUY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HIS NAME IS
I met mr. maroun ( i know his last name) while i was dating adam. He had remembered me from halloween and we were just hanging out the entire night at the party. It was more of me telling him he's not allowed to kiss me and explaining why. My soon to be housemate fell in love with him and kept talking about him on the way back to my house. So much so i just gave her his number and called it a day. But mr. maroun or lebanon as my friends call him and i continue to talk as friends afterwards. I remember when i told my sister's friend about him and i told her if it was good if i could just talk to him and maybe flirt even though i was in a relationship. She told me it's "good to keep my options open" good thing because a week later i got dumped.

The cutest thing was i had gotten really sick a few weeks ago and he wanted to stop by to see him. I told him not to because i looked like shit, i was weak and i had been throwing up all day. But he didn't care and came over and gave me ginger ale. + 3 points for him. Shortly after the break up he's been my makeout buddy and the make out sessions are SOO GOOD. And we can watch SVU for three hours straight not saying a word to one another. I don't know about him, i'm just having fun that we both like one another and see where it takes us.

quick tabit about him, apparently he's the hot guy at the restaurant he works out. I barely go to his restaurant which is around my campus and near by the bar i always go to. But my friend said all the girls think he's the hottest thing ever and get disappointed when the ugly guy is working. WHO KNEW? Actually come to think of it, i went to his job at halloween- it makes sense why he could remember me. but still that was such a long time ago to remember that it was me. whatever!

i guess it's a good thing that i can get back in the game so quickly. And slowly but surely i'm getting over my ex. even though yesterday i really missed him :( but he's a jerk and i have to keep reminding myself that.

In my gendered body class, our subject of the course is madusa. We haven't really discussed her for awhile but i've discussed her in many of my feminism classes as a muse, strong and beautiful women which some might not precieve her as. Last night i had this dream about how i was in Paris and just sight seeing when i came across this beautiful statue of Madusa. It was this HUGE statue of just her head. her had which had gotten decapated by Persus, was laying on her side on a platform. WIth the snakes coming out of her head all over to even coming down of the platform. I remember just standing in front of the statue just in awe by how gorgeous her face was and how detailed everything was about the statue.

When i brought it up in class, my professor had already known about my break up and was outraged that it was through text message. And she sort of went through this tantrum that i can not remember at this moment (i really need to stop smoking pot). OH what she said was his text message was cowardly and it remind her of presus who wasn't man enough to look madusa in the eye instead he used his sheld as his protector and that what he used by texting me instead of calling.

But by the next class, i started thinking about my dream and realize it all ties into my break up. In my gendered body class was talk a lot about the "gaze" because you weren't able to look her in the eye without turning into stone. And when we fall in love we are able to gaze into each other's eyes for as long as possible. What i came about it was in one of his text he mentioned he "wasn't ready to be serious and i know you are and i guess i'm scared." He's scared to gaze because it makes him valunable and could possibly get hurt in the long run. And in a way she gives me a new found freedom because i know how to be more picky when it comes to the next person i want to be in a relationship with. Madusa wasn't able to trust anyone because everyone thought she was evil.

Idk i'm sort of running with it and i'm not sure if it makes any sense but i had to write about it.

it all makes sense now. Adam broke up with me so i would be one step closer to finding my one true love, which could only mean these few men:
Tony Reali


Mark Ronson

Pharrell

or
Kanye



Playlist to get me through the break up
See You In My Nightmares-Kanye West and Lil Wayne

Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt

Stronger-Britney

Stop Me- Mark Ronson feat. Daniel Merriweather

Bittersweet Symphony (which reminds me i should get a symphony bar)

Bitter Sweet- Kanye West